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4th-May-2010 03:46 am
BLACK: spider

drawn up en pointe in his
brilliant black peltry
a penumbra for the ruff that curls
around his shining face
the sparkling water against the darkness
delights his eyes
a pair of green jewels
phosphorous and vespertine

All right, so my first attempt at poetry in this comm was pitiful. I've undergone a change in username since then. (It's been awhile, but I'm pretty sure I have two previous crits for this post.) I don't know what it is, but despite my competence in prose, poetry has always been a huge obstacle for me. But I still want to get better at it. Tear me apart if you have to. One verse at a time.

In this poem I'm trying to describe the familiar spirit of a sorcerer (or sorceress.) I plan on one or two more verses - what you see here would be the second verse. (It does look as if it's started off in the middle of something, doesn't it? The first verse is in my head, but it hasn't taken shape yet.)

I left off capitals and punctuation, not to seem indie, but just so I can focus on the words. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

In other news, I miss the prompts. Was there an egress of moderators?
12th-Jun-2010 10:52 am (UTC)
I love the imagery you're trying to convey here. I like how you used 'penumbra' in relevance to the vision that is the sorcerer and his aura. (I don't think that makes enough sense; this is actually my first time posting/commenting in the community.)

Anyway, I'd love to see you continue this poem some more. Also, I have to say that the omission of punctuation and capitals, to me, did have the effect you've wanted -- focus on the words.

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